This was penned in 2018 during my senior year at Florida State.
I’d like to think that I’ve learned a lot about myself over the course of my life, particularly
in the last 5 years—in truth I’ve likely just begun to scratch the surface. In the midst of
mental illness, confusion about your sexuality, shitty friends, subpar relationships, living
alone, college, being in your 20s—you tend to pick up a few things. As I’ve gone about
and picked up these lessons, I’ve made up a sort of guideline for myself; principles
which I always keep in mind and never stray away from. Before I started living by these
rules, I made a lot of mistakes that could have been easily avoidable. Easily avoidable
had I lived the repeated experiences required to condition myself to stay away from
certain things and carry myself in a certain manner. Easily avoidable if someone had
given me a guideline by which to think and act. There wasn’t a user manual for this sort
of thing, so I made one up.
[in no particular order]
i. always put yourself first
At the end of the day, you’re all you’ve got, and you’re all you’re ever going to have. I
personally believe that we all should be more selfish. I used to have a massive problem
with putting others before myself, and it never really benefitted me in the long run. As
well as being detrimental to my own wellbeing, this behavior led the people around me
to think that they could walk all over me. I don’t want to discourage you from assisting
and caring for the people in your life, I just want to tell you that not everything is your
problem to fix; regardless of how much you may care for a person. When friendships
crumble or relationships come to an end, you’re the only one you’ve got, and this can be
a big problem if you aren’t in the right mental state to be alone.
ii. make time for yourself
Self-care is extremely important. You don’t have to set aside multiple hours a day for
this, it can be as simple as making sure you have a chance to do your skincare in the
morning, or reading a book before bed. Time to relax and reflect is integral to a sound
mind. Without a little bit of time each day—or at whatever interval is comfortable for
you—to sit back and collect your thoughts, your mind can get overloaded with
everything that is going on around you. Always make some time to think about what is
happening in your life and how you can better handle it. It’s easier to clean up a few
days worth of pile up than a few months’ or years’.
iii. stay busy
Always keep yourself busy. By busy, I do not mean that you need to be doing a different
activity every hour of the day. Do things meaningfully. If you want to lay in bed all day
because you’ve had a long week and you need a break, do it. If someone asks if you’re
busy, you are. Busy recharging yourself due to a difficult week. It’s very easy to fall into
a rut if you aren’t doing things to keep yourself busy. Take up new hobbies. Set aside
time to learn new things. Don’t let yourself stay bored for too long, because if you do,
you’ll end up wasting time doing meaningless things.
iv. treat everyone the same in a fight
If anyone starts a fight with you, be it with words or fists, keep in mind that they entered
this space of their own free will, and if they get themselves or their feelings hurt, it was
their choice to start a fight with you. Regardless of whether this person is young, old, gay, straight, black, white, et cetera, treat them how you would want to be treated;
regardless of whether that is how they are treating you or not.
v. don’t let anyone control you
Do not—under any circumstance—let anyone control your thoughts or actions. This
applies mainly to significant others, but can also apply to friends. Don’t let anyone make
you think that you are wrong for wanting to do normal activities without them or be away
from them. They do not need to know what you are doing every waking hour of the day
and they do not get to tell you what you can and cannot do or how you can and cannot
act.
vi. don’t waste time; your own or anyone else’s
I’m not a big fan of wasting time, particularly because I don’t have enough of it. It’s a
waste of my time to pursue anyone who doesn’t have the same energy for me that I
have for them. It’s a waste of other people’s time—as well as my own—for me to try to
fix them when their problems are not my own. Only give one second chance—that is, if
you give any. People do not change. If they cannot recognize the error of their ways
after a second round, it is a waste of your time as well as theirs for you to continue
associating with each other.
vii. keep a small circle
It is better to have five very close friends than fifty acquaintances. Having people in your
life that you can depend on in any situation is very important. Everyone needs a support
system. If you have a multitude of friends that do not know much about the way you
operate on a mental and physical level, you will not have anyone to save you in your
final hour. Friends who know everything about you can be more beneficial than family at
times. They are invaluable in times of emotional need.
viii. finish what you started
Always finish what you start. This draws back to don’t waste time, if you start something
and do not finish it, it was a waste of your time to start it. What is the point of starting
something if you aren’t going to finish it? That time is better spent on something you
have the capacity or desire to finish. I do not like unfinished business.
ix. set goals for yourself
Set goals for yourself and accomplish them. Without goals you have nothing to look
forward to and nothing to motivate you. Without goals, you cannot plan for the future. It
is important to always have a plan B. When you inevitably move on to plan B, make
sure you have a plan C. Once you accomplish the goal you have set out for, establish a
new one. Always strive to better yourself even if you think you are already at your best.
More can always be done.
x. stay organized, but not too organized
Make lists. Plan things out. Don’t make yourself a 10 year plan Excel spreadsheet. If
you plan things too deeply or too far in advance, you will be disappointed when they
don’t go exactly as planned or you don’t end up where you thought you were going to.
Take time to decide what you want and how you will get it, but do not make a list of
apartments you could possibly rent in a city you don’t know how you’re going to land in.
Don’t make a list of hospitals you want to work at when you become a doctor when you
haven’t even gotten through your first semester of your undergraduate program. Decide
you want to do something, figure out how to achieve it, and then figure the rest out
when the time is right and the light is visible at the end of the tunnel.
I hope that you can pick up some ideas from these guidelines and better your own life. I
can assure you that without them I would be an absolute disaster. To be frank, I may
not be alive. I’ve had a lot of issues with mental illness in the past, that were only
augmented by my own unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors in interpersonal
relationships as well as with myself. Until I changed my ways, everything just continued
to snowball due to my huge heart and—in turn—tendency to want to help everyone
while simultaneously brushing my own feelings and health under the rug. Not taking into
account the costs and benefits of your everyday actions and interactions can have a
huge effect on your state of being. Being self-aware is key. Self-awareness has not only
to do with monitoring your health and mental state, but with taking into account how
your external surroundings—such as the people you interact with and the activities you
engage in—are affecting you personally.
九生 